The Weigh It Is

In Hiding November 8, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Billie @ 3:35 pm

For a long time, I’ve been in hiding.

That might seem like a strange statement, to those who know me personally. If you asked, I’m sure they would characterize me as one of the most social people they know, and some would even testify that they’ve seen me recently. How could I say that I’ve been hiding?

One of my favorite things to do is catch up with friends via Facebook. It has enabled me to connect with people from high school and college; friends that I have not seen in a long time.  For a homeschooling mama, it is a welcome chance to have some adult interaction. Most of these people don’t actually see me. Facebook is just that—FACE book. You will be hard pressed to find full body photos of me, and with good reason. I had one friend tell me, “You haven’t changed a bit! You still look the same!”

Wellllll…… not so much.

(Deep breath)

Since high school, I’ve gained at least 236 lbs. That figure would be the gain since my senior year. My freshman year as reference, it would be 262 lbs. What in the world??!! How did that happen? How does someone let themselves gain that astronomical amount of weight?

It’s easier than you think. So many factors contributed to the weight gain.  Some were emotional, some physical (lack of exercise), and much of it was simply making unwise choices when I knew it wasn’t what was best for me.  I can’t blame any of it on genetics or hormones.  It all comes down to an average of 11.8 lbs/year.  Some years more than others, of course. Because I carried my weight “well” and was suitably cute, I fooled myself into thinking that I could just buy the next biggest size. I was pretty fit for a bigger girl, and I never really felt the physical limitations of my size until I got to around 280-300 lbs.

With this post, I am officially coming out of hiding.

When it comes to seeing friends from long ago, I’m no longer going to hide from them, or avoid them.  The fact of my size/weight doesn’t change, simply because people don’t see me.  I’m not the only person from my past to have gained weight, but I am by far the person who’s gained the most. I’m not going to be ashamed anymore.  Although this is how I look, it is not who I am.

So, here is the hard truth:

Starting weight: 413 lbs.

Current weight: 407 lbs.

This was, by far, the toughest post for me to write. (Okay, so this is only the third one I’ve written, but still!) Now the truth is out. And it’s not pretty.  I’m not hiding anymore, though. Those numbers will soon be far behind me. Lord willing, I will continue to lose pounds, and gain strength and confidence.

And perhaps, along the way, I will inspire someone else to quit hiding.

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7 Responses to “In Hiding”

  1. Dawn Says:

    I was always a hider too though like you no one seemed to know it. Glad to hear you’re out of hiding. I found my way here from Jack’s blog. Just catching up on reading your blog.

  2. Rick Says:

    Proud of you, Billie! Keep up the good work!

  3. Marie Uher Says:

    Billie Girl! I am SO proud of you! You are doing such a wonderful job! You are such an inspiration to me! Thank you for opening up and not hiding! That was a huge step and a good one. God will help you through it all, just take it day by day and nothing more. I will be praying for you on your journey! Just keep moving forward! :o)

  4. Kaylin Says:

    Billie,
    I love you for what you are doing. You are such an amazing person. You are so warm and welcoming when Matt and I see you. I’m so happy that I know you. You are a gift from God to all who know you. Good luck in your journey, it may be long, it may be hard, but with God standing with you, who can stand against you? Don’t let anything stop you from reaching your goal!! You are an inspiration to me and to Matt. 🙂

  5. Kristen Says:

    Hey there I agree with Jody. i have struggled with my weight all my life also. And you know its not so much the amount you need to lose or what other people see. If you feel yucky its hard and if you dont feel good then no one can convice you otherwise. At least that is how it has always been for me. Never comfortable in my own skin. Even when i was at my very thinnest I was never happy like I thought I would be. I am with you as I am trying to change how we eat in my house. I see my youngest daughter (6) following in my footsteps, eating when she is not hungry and eating too much making bad choices….. It terrifies me and I want to end the cycle now. I dont want her to go through the years of struggling like I have. Thanks Billie for doing this. I will visit often 🙂

  6. Aunt Vic Says:

    6 lbs–way to go. I know you can do it, and I’m especially proud of you for sharing. I know the evasive nature of the Rushnok’s, and have been concerned about you. It’s so wonderful to know that you are opening up. I love you always!

  7. Jody Says:

    I am incredibly, incredibly proud of you. You know, one of the reasons I write,is because for me, when I put something down on paper, or type it up on a screen it becomes “solid” to me. The written word is so powerful. Something said gains huge momentum when its written down. It’s real, it’s out there, and it becomes visible. It’s not heresay any longer. It’s staring back at you from a page. Your title and topic hit the mark right between the eyes with what I’m saying….you can’t hide from written form. That explained, I know how incredibly difficult it can be to write honestly about a subject that stings. It takes courage, finesse, strength, raw emotion….I could go on probably all night throwing out words to fit the bill here, but I’m kind of preaching to the choir…you know what it takes. To stand naked before windows takes guts. To write about it for all to see?? Well, that takes an incredible person. I am intrigued on a number of levels by this blog. It’s honest, real, unapologetic, and beautiful. It’s written wonderfully, (Although I’m no critic…)
    “Now the truth is out. And it’s not pretty”~ I think that you should know: I saw you not all that long ago. Your ease with others, your warm as sunshine personality, your genuine demeanor, a smile that can light up a room….these are the things that I see when your around. Not your weight.
    Again, I’m so very proud of you, and this blog is incredible. Keep posting and keep going. I’m cheering for you..(and subscribing to this blog ;)) and I know I’m not the only one in your corner. 🙂 Bravo….on so many levels. 🙂


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